Fables and Faith : Caring and affirmation
Posted on Monday, September 15, 2008
URL: http://www.nwanews.com/bcdr/News/65745/
This week I’ve seen a significant number of close friends and family immersed in grief. When Marci and I traveled to Edmond, Okla., to help celebrate my daughter Sara’s birthday, we didn’t know that the week would be punctuated with the news of the death of my granddaughter’s best friend. That happened the day after Sara’s birthday. Their family thought of Heather as a sister and daughter, so the heartbreak is awesome for them.
Then I learned of the grief of another close friend who lost a son and a granddaughter who lost a father. It is in times like these that we all need encouragement and affirmation from our friends and neighbors.
In a book titled “ Good Grief, ” Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross named five stages of grief that people go through following a serious loss. She realized that sometimes people get stuck in one of the first four states, and their lives are continually painful until they move to the fifth stage.
The first stage is denial and Isolation. We try to deny the loss has taken place, and we may withdraw from our usual contacts. That stage is followed by anger. It is not unusual for the grieving person to be furious at the person who inflicted the hurt or at the world for letting it happen. The grieving person may even be angry with himself of herself for letting the event take place, even if nothing could have stopped it.
Kubler-Ross calls the third stage bargaining. The grieving person may make bargains with God and find himself or herself asking God, “ If I do this, will you take away the loss ? ” In my experience, usually the first three stages are generally experienced in a relatively short period of time. However, the fourth stage — depression — is a really dangerous one. My own experience with loss and the depression that followed made me simply feel numb. I found, however, that anger and sadness were just underneath the surface. This stage, I am told, can come and go quickly, or it can linger.
The fifth stage is acceptance. This is when the anger, sadness and mourning have tapered off, and we can accept the reality of our loss, however painful. We must also understand that each stage is important to that individual’s mental health.
When I talk with those who are thrown into the throes of grief, I try to emphasize that it is common for them to have many conflicting feelings. They may feel sorrow, anger, loneliness, sadness, shame, anxiety and guilt, almost all at the same time. Having so many strong feelings can be very stressful. But there is a downside to ignoring those feelings.
Dr. Kubler-Ross stated: “ Denying the feelings and failing to work through the five stages of grief is harder on the body and mind than going through them. When people suggest looking on the bright side or other ways of cutting off difficult feelings, the grieving person may feel pressured to hide or deny these emotions. ” Of course, when that happens, it will take longer for healing to take place. “ What can friends do ? ” is often the question. The answer I found came from the words of Charles Swindoll, who said, “ When we encourage and affirm others (show them that we care ), … we come as close to the work of the Holy Spirit as anything we can do in God’s family. ” Sometimes encouragement and affirmation mean simply being there alongside and letting those who are in need know you are someone who really cares. This is truly caring and affirmation. Shalom.
• • • Bob Haynes ’ column appears on Mondays.