Focus on the Family : Mother is baffled by her sons’ boisterous personalities
Posted on Sunday, May 11, 2008
QUESTION: Help ! I’m a mother of two sons, and I feel as if I’ve been thrust into a strange new world. Are boys always so rough ? Sometimes the noise level in our house is more than I can take ! Is this normal ?
DR. DOBSON: I’ve got both good and bad news for you — it is normal, so you’d better get used to it and learn to cope ! One of my colleagues, Dr. Tim Irwin, once shared his observation that women who have not grown up with brothers are often shocked by the sheer physicality of boys — by the sights and sounds and smells they generate. Some, like you, admit they are completely clueless in knowing how to deal with them. One obvious suggestion is to help boys release their excess energy by getting them involved in activities where fighting, laughing, running, tumbling and yelling are acceptable. Soccer, karate, Little League and football are a few possibilities. Moms also need to keep boys’ little minds and hands busy. It’s in their best interest to do so. My father once said about our energetic toddler, “ If you let that kid get bored, you deserve what he’s going to do to you. ” Shirley’s stepfather, who has a South Dakota accent, once said — after baby-sitting our kids for a week: “ Oh, der good kids. You just gotta keep ’em out in da open. ” Good advice.
QUESTION: My teen daughter, Cynthia, and I have incredible fights sometimes. No one has ever gotten to me in quite the way she can. We actually yell at each other when these battles are going on. How unusual is that kind of conflict between mothers and daughters ? And is there hope for us ?
DR. DOBSON: Unfortunately, it is very common. Many psychologists have described a “ thing” which occurs between some mothers and teenage daughters. Even though they love each other, the friction between them can generate a lot of heat. It probably results from a phenomenon that has been called “ two women in the kitchen” — a kind of natural competitiveness that occurs between females in the family. It can also be caused by a mother’s inability to cope with an extremely difficult and antagonistic kid. Whatever the source, it can make life unpleasant for several years. I know women who would give their lives for their daughters, yet they say with fire in their eyes, “ I don’t even like her very much right now. ” That appears to be what you and your teenager are experiencing at this time.
Is there hope for a better relationship in years to come ? Yes, I believe you will overcome it. Getting Cynthia through adolescence and into adulthood will change everything. I wouldn’t be surprised if she didn’t become one of your best friends down the road. So, take heart. A better day is coming.
QUESTION: What can we do in the meantime ? How can I deal with this wildcat who lives under my roof ?
DR. DOBSON: Before I answer, tell me what your husband’s relationship with Cynthia is.
QUESTION: It’s very good. She doesn’t pull the same stuff on him that she does with me. What are you getting at ?
DR. DOBSON: He may hold the key to the tension in your home. Fathers can play a valuable role as peacemakers and mediators at a time like this. They can help you ventilate anger and find acceptable compromises where they are appropriate. Cynthia may listen to her dad. When teenagers are greatly irritated with one parent, they will sometimes seek to draw closer to the other. It’s like a nation at war that seeks supportive allies. If fathers are favored in that way, they can calm the troubled waters and keep two women from killing each other. Without this masculine influence, routine skirmishes can turn into World War III.
• • • Dr. Dobson is founder and chairman of the board of the nonprofit organization Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995 (www. family. org ). Questions and answers are excerpted from “ Solid Answers ” and “ Bringing Up Boys, ” both published by Tyndale House.
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