LET’S TALK : Guide lets Santas go for broke
Posted on Sunday, December 7, 2008
Here they go with the same old commercials.
It’s Christmas ! Get your sweetie a luxury car ! A piece of jewelry ! A Global Positioning System receiver ! We pimp “Carol of the Bells” for a jingle because we’ve already worn out “Deck the Halls” !
I’ve got just one question, especially in light of the long-overdue acknowledgment by the powers-thatbe that the U. S. is in a recession.
Who can afford this stuff ?
Maybe “afford” isn’t the proper word. If you can’t “afford” something, that means you have money with which you could buy it, but then the house note or the electric bill wouldn’t be paid. Since so many of us can’t so much as pay the bills, maybe the question should simply be: Who’d have even a $ 10 down payment for that stuff ?
Any time I even think about yearning for some new bauble or electronic gewgaw advertised relentlessly on TV, I’ll flip a channel and there’s a financial expert advising everybody to budget carefully for Christmas gifts and / or not use plastic and / or just make gifts out of pipe cleaners, macaroni, cigar boxes or clay.
It’s safe to say that it won’t be early January when everybody’s broke. Everybody’s already busted. Except, that is, for the bigwigs needing bailouts.
In light of the recession that’s finally being called a recession a year after it started, it’s only fitting that the Talkmistress offer a special gift guide for the economically-challenged masses. This guide will not contain the usual suggestions — no “Offer a voucher for free cooking / cleaning / baby-sitting / house-sitting,” and no “Make a gift. First, you need pipe cleaners....” It’s nitty-gritty time. Come, draw inspiration from the:
LET’S TALK BROKE FOLKS
GIFT GUIDE Go to your father, brother or cousin. Acknowledge that you still owe the money you borrowed from him two years ago, and tell him you’ll pay up as soon as you can. Whether or not you’ll actually be able to pay up may be highly in question. But who cares ? Your gift recipient will be so shocked and pleased that you’ve stopped dodging him and are acknowledging the debt, it’ll make his Christmas. Guaranteed. You know that bad habit of yours that gets on the last nerves of your spouse, relative, friend, co-worker, neighbor ? Gift that person with the announcement that you will cease and desist your practice of that habit — forever, for a year, for a month, for a week, or whatever time period you think you can handle.
Imagine the joy of your gift recipient when you announce that you’ll stop belching at the dinner table, leaving your clothes on the floor, having phone conversations that can be heard by every coworker within three floors of your cubicle, or allowing your unkempt yard to bring down the beauty and property value of your neighbor’s house.
Serenade your gift recipient with a song or an instrumental. If you are blessed with a beautiful voice or can rock a kazoo, and your recipient is a fan, she’ll be pleased. If you sing like a firstround American Idol hopeful or dogs howl when you play music, your cessation of the serenade will be the gift. If you and your gift recipient are badly strapped for cash, here’s something that will benefit both of you: Go on eBay. com, auction off advertising space on a legal-toexpose area of your person, and split the winning bid money with the gift recipient. What if you get no bids ? Hey, that’s not your fault. It’s the thought that counts. Your good intentions will have been gift enough. Want to give your favorite Arkansas Democrat-Gazette columnist — and her co-workers — a wonderful gift ? Pretend you’re part of a construction crew, complete with hard hat, blue-collar regalia and a big orange flag. Come to the intersection at which our downtown offices are situated. And direct traffic, favoring the pedestrians trying to cross the streets from the parking lot catty-corner to our headquarters. Don’t pedestrians have the right-of-way anyway ? We’re supposed to, but you couldn’t tell that by the manner in which folks drive through the intersection of East Capitol Avenue and Scott Street. Especially perturbing are the desperadoes trying to turn left from the latter street onto the former, and the ones who never seem to see the “no right on red” sign when they wish to turn right. (In all seriousness, it’s my prayer that no one gets hit here. ) No matter how much you hate, loathe and abhor the very thought of watching a particular reality show, begin watching it so that your die-hard-fan gift recipient will have someone to discuss it with.
If I had to choose a gift from my guide, I’d go for the last one. I’ve lost count of the times I’ve been asked, “Do you watch Real Housewives of Atlanta ?” Frankly, I’d rather spend an entire weekend at a basket-weaving convention — making a gift for someone after all. Give the gift of e-mail ! hwilliams@arkansasonline. com
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