OTUS THE HEAD CAT : Critter trackers stand to make mint if they find elusive beasts
Posted on Saturday, November 15, 2008
Dear Otus, They must think that we’re a bunch of redneck yahoos who just fell off the soybean truck if they expect us to keep falling for this nonsense. I’m talking about the “private donor” I read about in last Sunday’s paper who has offered $ 500, 000 to anyone who presents photographic proof of the ivorybilled woodpecker. I fully expect hundreds of ivory-bill photos manipulated using Adobe PhotoShop to turn up now that there’s big money on the line. — Thomas Queduda,
Paron Dear Thomas,
It was wholly a pleasure to hear from you and a pleasure to be able to console your understandable vexation.
First of all, the total reward for proof of the existence of the ivory-billed woodpecker has risen to more than $ 1. 5 million thanks to those who have a vested interest in the financial benefits that would accrue upon its irrefutable discovery.
PhotoShopped submissions would be readily and reliably refutable.
The donations this week included $ 500, 000 from Witt Stephens Jr. He wants it for the new Dickey-Stephens Central Arkansas Nature Center. Stephens would love to have a mating pair of woodpeckers. They’d be worth $ 500, 000 each.
A $ 400, 000 pledge was added by the Alice Walton Crystal Bridges Museum of American Art at Bentonville (which hopes to open a John J. Audubon pavilion complete with ivory-billed aviary so artists can paint from a live specimen ) and $ 12, 500 from the Little Rock Zoo as a companion exhibit to its penguin display that’s under construction.
An impressive $ 146. 76 came from the Greater Brinkley Chamber of Commerce, which passed the hat at the local Rotary meeting last Monday at Gene’s Bar-B-Que, home of the $ 5. 75 Ivory-Billed Cheeseburger.
(No birds are harmed in the making of the dish. And, yes, it’s pricier than the $ 4. 95 Buffalo Burger with fries, but it’s so big you need a toothpick to hold the thing together. )
The overflow Rotarian affair, held in Gene’s historic Lick Skillet Meeting Room, was highlighted by a special appearance by Wally Woodpecker (see photo ). Wally, who claims to be a third cousin of legendary Brinkley Razorbacks hero Jon Brittenum, is the former Wallace Specht. He had his name legally changed in 2005 and has made a handsome living appearing at children’s parties and nature groups ever since.
Wally isn’t the only one who has seen an economic boom since the disputed rediscovery of the ivory-billed woodpecker.
There is a Brinkley barbershop that will trim your hair to resemble the bird (yes, it looks like a classic DA from the 1950 s, but that’s OK ); ivory-billed Tshirts are for sale at the Brinkley Western Sizzler, and Brinkley’s Frank Federer Memorial Airport had to build a two-mile extension to handle the private jets of wealthy New England birders flying in to tour the bayou.
There are untold fortunes at stake here. Is it any wonder the well had been primed just a bit ? Sure, the area is world renowned for duck hunting, but that’s seasonal and dependent on the weather. If the elusive ivorybilled would just show itself, the entire region would benefit far more than a few T-shirts and cheeseburgers.
If you doubt this genius marketing strategy, just look at the recent list of other rewards that has popped up.
The Greater Paron Chamber of Commerce has an offer of $ 800 and a lifetime lease on a prime deer stand to anyone who can furnish proof of a living hogzilla in the area.
The Fouke Cryptozoology Center is offering $ 100, 000 to anyone who can smoke out the “monster” that lurks in the Jonesville / Boggy Creek area west of town. The critter was last spotted in 1954 and was the star of the cult-classic 1972 film.
The Paris Chamber of Commerce will pay $ 125, 000 to anyone who can net a rare Diana fritillary butterfly on Mount Magazine in time for next summer’s International Butterfly Festival. It turns out the one “discovered” in 2007 was paper, made in Taiwan and bought at Target in Fort Smith. Finally, the Newport / Tuckerman / Grubbs Civitan Club has offered a $ 250, 000 prize to anyone who lands the legendary White River Monster, a rare fresh-water plesiosauresque creature with a swan-like osteology of the neck. The 30-foot animal is seen from time to time in the vicinity of Jacksonport State Park and the juncture of the White and Black rivers. Until next time, Kalaka reminds you that if you hype it, they will come. Disclaimer: Fayetteville-born Otus the Head Cat’s award-winning column of
humorous fabrication appears every Saturday. E-mail: mstorey@arkansasonline. com
FEEDBACK:
Something to say about this topic? Submit a Letter to the Editor online
