SPIN CYCLE : Our ‘stimulating’ shopping list
Posted on Sunday, May 11, 2008
URL: http://www.nwanews.com/adg/Style/225462/
Got stimulation ? As U. S. Treasury-issued economic stimulus payments are trickling in to some 130 million households, we thought we’d help you out by suggesting ways to spend your several hundred or so. Besides filling up on pricey gasoline. And making higher mortgage payments. And buying more expensive food. And buying postage that goes up another penny as of tomorrow. Hmm, since that won’t leave much, maybe we can help you by suggesting ways to spend any future stimulus checks: Buy Barbara Walters’ ohso-juicy autobiography Audition and learn things you never would have dreamed: Star Jones was greedy and evasive about her weight-loss surgery ! Rosie O’Donnell was difficult to work with !
Take a trip to New York and see the new musical Glory Days. Oh wait, due to scathing reviews, it closed one not-soglorified day after opening. Buy some cellulite treatments for slim actress Mischa Barton, who recently had pictures of her bumpy thighs show up all over the Internet. Because, back off, honey, the role of Cottage Cheese Queen is already taken. Help a troubled singer. Contribute to the Amy Winehouse Defense Fund. Or the Amy Winehouse Soap And Comb Fund.
Bet money on yet another snag holding up the six-yearsdelayed-but-who-is-counting R. Kelly child pornography trial. Buy materials for your “Congratulations, David” posters for the American Idol finale. Does anyone truly believe the show producers, er, the viewing audience will not choose either Mr. Archuleta or Mr. Cook to win the high-stakes competition ?
Send a wedding present to singer Mariah Carey and actor Nick Cannon. Via express shipping with a receipt for return purposes, in the event the latest out-of-nowhere celebrity marriage dissolves instantly like all the others.
Buy “Grand Theft Auto IV.” Because after it sold more than 6 million units its first week, you’re officially the only person who doesn’t own it. Invest in a home security system, mace, bullet-resistant vest, guard dog and some tissues in which to cry over the decline of civilization. Because you’re officially the only person who does not own “Grand Theft Auto IV.” Buy a fur coat. Or just rent one Lindsay Lohan-style: Take one belonging to someone else on your way out of a club, eventually return it and receive a $ 10, 000 invoice from the owner.
Start a parenting program in Long Island, N. Y., where Mingling Moms, a networking group for women, recently awarded Dina Lohan, mother of the above fur-renter’s celebrity-seeking, partying mother the honor of “Top Mom.” Happy Mother’s Day ! E-mail: jchristman@arkansasonline. com Spin Cycle is a weekly smirk at pop culture.