OTUS THE HEAD CAT : At 500 mph, pods too fast to predict
Posted on Saturday, August 4, 2007
Dear Otus, I can’t tell you how disappointed we are with you since you didn’t give us fair warning of exactly when the annual humidity pods would arrive this summer. We try to make it a family reunion affair each year and count on you to alert us when the pods are due. This year I kept checking your column each Saturday and I’ve found only “classic” columns the past three weeks. As much as I enjoy those, I would have much preferred to have had a heads-up on July 14 for the pod deluge that hit our neighborhood at exactly 10: 07 a.m. We’re just now getting the sticky mess cleaned up. Kindly do not let your many readers down again in the future. — Shadun Froida Malvern Dear Shadun, It was wholly a pleasure to hear from you and have the opportunity to extend my deepest apologies and an explanation. Suffice it to say that nobody regrets more than I do the fact this year’s humidity pod arrival occurred while I was otherwise occupied. It was on my watch and that’s painful enough. I also realize that the family plans of countless thousands were affected by the lack of information, and I can only offer my sincere condolences to those inconvenienced. I can offer no excuses, only an explanation.
As longtime readers of this column know, it is during each July that I am required to be re-certified by the board of visitors and others responsible for the head cat columns across the country.
It is a grueling three-week process that takes place at the Electoral College in Des Moines, Iowa. All the regular students are out for the summer, so the certification board sort of takes the place over.
There are panel discussions, lectures, question-and-answer sessions and one-on-one interviews, all topped off by evening events, mixers, cocktail parties and meetand-greet opportunities.
It sounds like one big vacation, but I assure you it is a lot of work and there is no time for oneself at all.
Still, it is an invaluable opportunity to renew all the contacts and insider connections that have allowed me to perform my columnistic duties so proficiently since 1980.
At the end of the three weeks, vetted for yet another year of service, we disperse to our various homes and continue our jobs with renewed elan and esprit.
That, however, is small comfort to you and your lack of being apprised of the arrival of the humidity pods on July 14. Here is what happened.
I was fully prepared to give fair warning of the pods’ release from the Gulf of Campeche, their movement northward to Corpus Christi, across Louisiana and into Arkansas on no less than three occasions — June 21, 29 and July 6.
Each time, however, there was a retrograde bifurcation in the winds aloft due to that long-lingering low pressure system over Oklahoma and Texas.
The system, which brought flood waters to those states, forced the pods to retreat three times. Each time caused a deeper concentration of the pods’ residual imidazolines that reduce spasticity and make their course and arrival time fairly easy to predict.
After the last event, the pods festered over Apocatequil Teotihuacan until they were the consistency of toothpaste — brown toothpaste. At approximately 8 a.m. July 14 the low-pressure system over Texas slipped east just enough to trigger the pods.
They covered the 1, 037 miles in a stunning 2 hours and 7 minutes, or approximately 500 miles per hour.
There was no time for a warning. True, I was busy elsewhere, but even had I not been, there wasn’t sufficient time for me to issue a fair admonitory.
I am told by those who follow these things that these so-called “black pods” are exceedingly rare. It is not unusual for the pods to turn back and reconstitute once, even twice on occasion. But three times, resulting in pods that resemble sorghum, is unusual.
The last time they struck Arkansas was in 1927. Gov. Beebe has established a hot line for those experiencing difficulty in cleaning up the humidity pod residue. You’ll find it and more information on the state Web site at www. state. ar. us. Until next time, Kalaka reminds you that the pods are biodegradable if you can stand the smell. Disclaimer: Fayetteville-born Otus the Head Cat’s award-winning column of humorous fabrication appears every Saturday. E-mail: mstorey@arkansasonline. com
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