Book suggests how to nip mother-daughter dust-ups
Posted on Wednesday, May 7, 2008
DETROIT — Let’s get this straight right away: Julie Halpert loves her mom dearly. In fact, the writer — who’s a mom herself — says there’s no more precious relationship than that between an adult daughter and her mother.
It’s just that, well, no one can make an adult daughter feel less like an adult than her mother.
And oftentimes a mother’s best-intentioned suggestions — about everything from careers and cleaning to cooking — can sound like criticism to a daughter’s sensitive ears.
Halpert knows. And not just from personal experience.
Halpert, a freelance writer in Ann Arbor, Mich., and Deborah Carr, a sociologist at Rutgers University in New Jersey, interviewed nearly 100 mothers and their adult daughters all over the United States about what they conclude is a common concern: Mothers and daughters aren’t getting along as well as they should and could.
They compiled their findings and suggestions for making the relationships better in a book titled Making Up With Mom: Why Mothers and Daughters Disagree About Kids, Careers, and Casseroles and What to Do About It (Thomas Dunne Books, $ 24. 95 ).
The idea began with 42-yearold Halpert. Marriage, a successful career as an environmental journalist and three kids later, she found herself at home one morning in the midst of the usual chaos of getting the children fed and out the door.
Typical and manageable to her looked like a madhouse to her mom, Joanna Edelson, who happened to be visiting. Edelson offered a few comments, meant to be helpful but taken as hurtful, especially since they came coupled with that look.
“If you’re a mother and you have a mother, you probably know the look. It’s the doubting glance that makes you question your parenting skills and your competence as an adult,” Halpert writes in the introduction to the book.
Sometime after that experience, Halpert came across a reference to an academic study on mother-daughter relationships by Carr. Halpert contacted Carr, and the two began the research that culminated in Making Up With Mom.
Mothers and adult daughters across the country, across cultures, and across racial and social-economic lines all experience tension on matters related to relationships, housework, child rearing or careers.
The book describes numerous troublesome scenarios.
Mostly, it goes like this: Moms step in uninvited to offer comments or suggestions; daughters bristle, bark, sulk or say nothing, then moms feel shut out.
The things said and left unsaid can inhibit the growth of a strong bond, Halpert says.
Edelson says she’s very proud of her daughter for writing the book and understands the book is not about her in particular.
“She’s not trashing me; this is not that kind of book,” says Edelson, who has another daughter and a son. “It’s a book to help both mothers and daughters understand each other.” The root of some of the tension lies in the way women’s lives have changed compared to their mothers, the researchers believe.
Most women today have many more choices than their mothers did — on everything from whether to have children at all to what careers to pursue. Instead of turning to their moms for advice — which used to be commonplace — today’s moms turn to books, research or their peers.
“Often we feel they don’t get it, and we shut them out,” says Halpert, who’s been a regular National Public Radio contributor and written for numerous publications, including The New York Times, Parents and Self.
“Women today are navigating so much; our confidence is shaky,” Halpert says. “Even the most strong woman wants her mom to say, ‘You’re doing a good job.’” The authors recommend a series of steps aimed at improving mother-daughter relationships, mostly centered on improving communications between the two.
Key steps include: Empathize with one another. The authors offer a plan for doing an oral history aimed at helping to understand and appreciate one another’s life experiences and perspectives. Think before you speak. For example, instead of criticizing an unkempt house, a mother might ask, “How can I help ?” And a daughter, instead of immediately becoming defensive, should remember her mother’s desire is to be helpful. Compliment and encourage. Mom and daughter need and appreciate acknowledgment for jobs well-done.
Halpert and Edelson believe their relationship has improved since Halpert’s research and writing of the book. Not that it was ever really bad.
Edelson admits, however, that she was not pleased initially to see herself featured in the introduction of the book.
“I was not thrilled,” she says. “How could you be thrilled, when you’re just trying to be helpful ? But I understand that was her segue into the book. I don’t even remember doing some of those things. Nobody’s perfect.” While Halpert is the successful writer, her mom clearly has a way with words as well. Edelson succinctly captures the spirit of the book.
“The whole thing is about how you can do what you want and need to do without getting on each other’s nerves.”
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